Fear of Death?

I can honestly say that this was the best summer of my life! There was lots of quality time spent with friends, and a ton of ideas for blog posts (and yet little motivation for composing them.)

Since this one will be short and easy, we'll see if I can get my creative juices flowing again and overcome my writer's block. 

School started a few weeks ago (yay! [?]) and with the dawn of this new (and FINAL) year of high school, I began the study of Catholic Doctrine. And I love it. Its like a treacherous journey across a sea of philosophy and logic.  My teacher is positively phenomenal, and all of my classmates seem to adore the subject matter just as much as I do...It's overall just a great class!

Now, to do a complete 180 - I've recently come to have fear and apprehension of dying.  In heaven, there is complete happiness that man cannot comprehend during his life on this earth.  Although this seems like something to be excited about, the inability anticipate what that might be like scares me to death. (...poor choice of cliché?) 

Frankly, as shallow as it may sound, I fear not being here. Even though life is hard and bad stuff happens, I kinda like this world; my friends, the birds, summer rains on the desert, snowy mountains in the distance.  Often, I think about how much of the world there is to explore, how many places I will never set foot, how many experiences I will never have.

We are given one lifetime on this earth, and the options are endless; so what do we do with it? 

Then again, there are the bad things; the things that cause sorrow and pain, and make me shake my head over the state of humanity.  There are the countless tears shed by the grieving, the lost, and the lonely.  Every person in this world must look out over the ocean, or at the sunset, or at the clouds in the sky above and think, "there must be more than this." 

It seems that we are not of this world. Something in our nature tells us otherwise.  And yet, we go on hikes, laugh with our friends, eat hamburgers, play volleyball, go to One Direction concerts, listen to Mumford & Sons, travel to new places, search for education.. and we fear the end.  When all is said and done, it seems that we don't belong here, but we do like it here.  There will come a day when we are not here anymore; I may be here now, but I may not be here tomorrow.  Or I may be here for sixty more years, and then POOF - gone. (Just like in "Looking for Alaska." That was my John Green-esque moment.)  

I'm scared of death.  I'm scared to not be here, and to be not sure where I'm going.  Frankly, I'm scared of going to hell, scared of purgatory - and oddly enough, terrified of heaven.

Heaven is what it is, not what one wants it to be.  Just like God "is who is." (Exodus 3:14)

It's fear of the unknown; it's the struggle to trust that God knows what's best for me, and that being in this beautiful place He has prepared all of us for, and placed in our nature to search for, will truly make me happy. 

This question is like a foggy day for me - I feel like the mist begins to lift and I gain some clarity, only to strain my eyes and find that the fog has set again.  But that's the way it's supposed to be - if we knew everything, where would the excitement be?!

God keeps us guessing. (He probably thinks it's funny. He's probably laughing at me right now.)

A moment of clarity came for me today, when I was talking to my good friend Nikki about Catholic Doctrine. Upon discussing how much we both love the class, I said this:

I remember going to a Confirmation retreat a few years ago.  Several of my good friends and numerous acquaintances were all present, and I felt truly at peace - like I could stay there for eternity and be content.  It wasn't certainly exciting or stimulating like listening to rock music or driving down the highway on a road trip, but it was contenting and peaceful.  When I am at Adoration, there is nothing else I would rather do. I never want to go back to the "real world" - because Heaven is more real and true than anything I could ever desire from this life.

Perhaps that's Heaven...focus on God, peace, with the people you love, and the One you grow to love the most. But I can't say that for sure. (I've certainly never been there!) 

Sticking to the Status Quo

Have you ever gone to a big city?  You're walking with your friend, and they exclaim: "Whoa, look at THAT!" And they point toward the sky above you.  Craning your neck, you look up...and up...and up... After what seems like forever, you catch sight of the top of the building.  The skyscraper looms there, its highest stories barely visible, appearing smaller and smaller, blurred by the reflected sunlight.  You squint in attempt to see what's above, but it is impossible to perceive the roof of the building with clarity.
Or when you're driving on the freeway and reach an open stretch.  You look into the distance, hoping to catch sight of mountains or trees or an oasis of any sort; it is a vast, open expanse.  Of course, you know that somewhere, out there, in the distance, there is something.  Just beyond the horizon dwells the incomprehensible.

Well. That's what the process of choosing a college feels like.  (Dramatic analogies? Perhaps.)

Hundreds, thousands of possible ways that you can further your education.  Also, hundreds of thousands of potential dollars that will be earned and spent for the sake of your future.  Even if you've narrowed down your options to four or five possibilities, it's extremely difficult to make the decision.  If you're me, reason carries you to a fork in the road.  At that point, weighing the options is futile; if it's a tie, you choose a path, and you see where you end up ...



Around sophomore year, I took a look at my life: most of my friends were from church, I was homeschooled, and I had a rough time convincing myself that those were good things.
I longed for college! "I can prove to all the people around me that I can do what everyone else is doing."

From a conversation with my friend Nikki.

This mentality stuck.  As I explored one of the public universities in my state at the beginning of the year, I was thoroughly excited by the fact that I could go, be normal, have a good chance at scholarships, be normal, live a few hours' drive from my family, be normal, major in business and, for once in my life, be normal.

Heck yeah, I wanna fit in! Heck yeah, I wanna be normal! Let's do this!



There was a Church there, too.  I mean, of course I would go to church!  What's the point in going to a Catholic college if you can still go to church at a public university? "It's time for me to be a part of the world," I asserted, "I learned Faith in high school to prepare me for this."

Thus, I intended on following the ironic advice of High School Musical and intended to stick to the status quo.



Oh, how I pledged to myself, that:
Oh, oh oh oh,
I shall stick to the stuff I know.
And I shall not mess with the quo,
No;
NO!
I shall stick 
With the status quo.





And that was that.
(No it wasn't.)

Because, then, I visited a Catholic university.
Oh.
Oh...
The beautiful churches, the deep material, the theology, the student body, the personal, comfortable campus
SmaLL CLAssEs
cATHOLIC PeOPLE
TRUTH

But no. OH no no.
Rule one of the status quo: Thou shalt do what everyone else does!

Plus, as I've heard time and time again: college will challenge your faith. These next few years will be the hardest time for growth in your Faith you will ever face.

I mean, if that's the norm...if that's a part of every Catholic's life...it's cheating if I have it "easy," right? It's cheating if I don't venture out of my comfort zone. Isn't it?

Perhaps choosing a small, Catholic college IS out of my comfort zone.  The fact that it is contrary to what would traditionally be done is uncomfortable.  It does scare me.
It used to scare me to the point that I wouldn't even CONSIDER the college which is now tied for my top choice.

This college is a charming little school in the mountains in California.  They offer one degree in Liberal Arts, providing a well-rounded education.  Unlike any school I have ever seen, they are small, tight-knit, traditional, and professional.  I told myself that never, never ever in a million years would I go to this school. Okay, I'll consider applying, but I won't go there. I would be submitting to everything I'm trying to avoid!
...Well, I guess I'll consider it.
.....Well, I guess I'm serious enough to go to their summer program.
.......Well, I guess their summer program helped me discover the meaning of life, made me feel at peace, led me to meet wonderful people, and invigorated me with the sample of literature discussion.

And now, Thomas Aquinas College is tied for my first-choice school.
I still have my doubts and apprehensions, but frankly, life is about risks.  Why risk my Faith when I can risk my place on the Status Quo Totem Pole?






Of course, I'm thinking my decision through more to discover what is truly best for me, but my mind and heart have opened so much to the possibility of attending what originally seemed like an unwise choice that clashed horrendously with my desires for the future.  As I reason and pray my way through this process, I am finding that this choice is actually wise, that challenging the ideals of society sounds invigorating, and that ultimately, admitting that I am a Catholic nerd who just wants to hide away in the hills and read books with my friends for a few years is actually way more empowering than I thought it would be. 

Essentially, my whole point here is admit to the good desires of your heart, because God put them there for a reason.  If everyone did what they truly wanted to do, instead of what society wanted them to do, the world would be better off.

If your biggest desire is to go to a university to become a doctor or a lawyer, by all means, follow your dreams, promote health and justice! But if you want to start your own business out of high school, consider religious life, work as a missionary in an underprivileged country, spend all your time making artwork and selling it at craft fairs, audition for broadway, become a mathematician, or just get married and raise a family, do it.

If you want what you want for the sake of God, pursue it.
If you want it because it will help you to grow in virtue, pursue it.
If you desire it to help mankind, do it.

Just because society says, "go to college, get a degree, work a 9-5, pay off your debt, buy a fancy car, work to pay off the fancy car, work so hard you never get to enjoy your fancy car," doesn't mean you have to.

It's invigorating to take the risk and do what you love. You don't always have to aim for the top; aim for where you want to be.  Aim for what will better your soul, and happiness will follow.  There's no greater risk than #YOLOing for God.

Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received
and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you.

((Philippians 4:6-9))

I mean, did Jesus stick to the status quo?