Fear of Death?

I can honestly say that this was the best summer of my life! There was lots of quality time spent with friends, and a ton of ideas for blog posts (and yet little motivation for composing them.)

Since this one will be short and easy, we'll see if I can get my creative juices flowing again and overcome my writer's block. 

School started a few weeks ago (yay! [?]) and with the dawn of this new (and FINAL) year of high school, I began the study of Catholic Doctrine. And I love it. Its like a treacherous journey across a sea of philosophy and logic.  My teacher is positively phenomenal, and all of my classmates seem to adore the subject matter just as much as I do...It's overall just a great class!

Now, to do a complete 180 - I've recently come to have fear and apprehension of dying.  In heaven, there is complete happiness that man cannot comprehend during his life on this earth.  Although this seems like something to be excited about, the inability anticipate what that might be like scares me to death. (...poor choice of cliché?) 

Frankly, as shallow as it may sound, I fear not being here. Even though life is hard and bad stuff happens, I kinda like this world; my friends, the birds, summer rains on the desert, snowy mountains in the distance.  Often, I think about how much of the world there is to explore, how many places I will never set foot, how many experiences I will never have.

We are given one lifetime on this earth, and the options are endless; so what do we do with it? 

Then again, there are the bad things; the things that cause sorrow and pain, and make me shake my head over the state of humanity.  There are the countless tears shed by the grieving, the lost, and the lonely.  Every person in this world must look out over the ocean, or at the sunset, or at the clouds in the sky above and think, "there must be more than this." 

It seems that we are not of this world. Something in our nature tells us otherwise.  And yet, we go on hikes, laugh with our friends, eat hamburgers, play volleyball, go to One Direction concerts, listen to Mumford & Sons, travel to new places, search for education.. and we fear the end.  When all is said and done, it seems that we don't belong here, but we do like it here.  There will come a day when we are not here anymore; I may be here now, but I may not be here tomorrow.  Or I may be here for sixty more years, and then POOF - gone. (Just like in "Looking for Alaska." That was my John Green-esque moment.)  

I'm scared of death.  I'm scared to not be here, and to be not sure where I'm going.  Frankly, I'm scared of going to hell, scared of purgatory - and oddly enough, terrified of heaven.

Heaven is what it is, not what one wants it to be.  Just like God "is who is." (Exodus 3:14)

It's fear of the unknown; it's the struggle to trust that God knows what's best for me, and that being in this beautiful place He has prepared all of us for, and placed in our nature to search for, will truly make me happy. 

This question is like a foggy day for me - I feel like the mist begins to lift and I gain some clarity, only to strain my eyes and find that the fog has set again.  But that's the way it's supposed to be - if we knew everything, where would the excitement be?!

God keeps us guessing. (He probably thinks it's funny. He's probably laughing at me right now.)

A moment of clarity came for me today, when I was talking to my good friend Nikki about Catholic Doctrine. Upon discussing how much we both love the class, I said this:

I remember going to a Confirmation retreat a few years ago.  Several of my good friends and numerous acquaintances were all present, and I felt truly at peace - like I could stay there for eternity and be content.  It wasn't certainly exciting or stimulating like listening to rock music or driving down the highway on a road trip, but it was contenting and peaceful.  When I am at Adoration, there is nothing else I would rather do. I never want to go back to the "real world" - because Heaven is more real and true than anything I could ever desire from this life.

Perhaps that's Heaven...focus on God, peace, with the people you love, and the One you grow to love the most. But I can't say that for sure. (I've certainly never been there!)